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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
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I am seriously confused.
I have the feeling that I have been like that ever since that day, ever since I made that decision. I told myself that I won't regret it.
So, I won't regret. I've learnt many things and I think it's another form of experience. BUt did I really make the wrong choice? I don't know.
That is my phrase: I don't know.
What I know is that, even if the clock turns back, I would still have made that choice, it's because if I didn't, I will surely regret.
I don't know how to describe, but I was adamant about it. I have to get into it to make myself believe in it and to know what it is all about.
But not, I don't know if I could go on. It might be a wrong choice from teh very beginning, I don't doubt, because I know that I have been deceiving myself for the longest of time ever since I went in. Lying to myself that I love to make things while in actual fact i don't. I've made some hard work (not exactly the whole body hard work) but I realised that none of it works. i still don't know what exactly I was doing.
I kept being disappointed, and tried to be positive and thought of many ways and paths which I could go even being there. But I'm sicked of it. sicked of the every lies that I've made to myself. But even till now, this decision... it might not be the best, and i don't know if it will change how i work from now on. i just hope that.... it will work out in the end. or at least i will feel happier. or maybe i can be more honest with myself.
but ultimately, I hope that I could have a decent job, pay back all those money that I've wasted. That's the only thing I could do for them. THe more i stayed, the more I thought that I couldn't pay back the money, and I would have to ask for more isntead of earning myself. So god, please, if this is the right decision, make it right once and for all, and let me repay my debt. I will memorise till every single cell is being used up. SO please, let me get a decent job and I won't complain about being restricted for now i realise that restriction is my way of life. freedom is not mine.
I;m so sorry for the inconvenience caused, but please help me. thank u. =)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
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わたし ピアノが好きの？ 本当は何も知らないんだ。
ただ、好きの気持ちを忘れ。。。
どうすればいいのか もうわからないです。
What is the feeling of like? It seems I have lost this feeling. The motivation, diligence, and everything else. It has been lost with the time that has slipped by.
Living as though the time has stopped even when you are moving. The memories and experiences had been left behind without realising. A living corpse.
Have I ever liked anything behind, I am beginning to doubt this fact, or is it just an illusion that I've even liked something before. Probably it's not like, it's just an feeling of not wanting to give anything up to something else. What a bad character.
*sigh.....*
How should I answer when she asked me again, if I fail the exam this year?
Frankly, I ... probably don't know? Or rather, for now, I think even if I failed, it doesnt matter. No, I think that I deserved the fail mark. How pathetic. If it's like that, then why am I even registering for the exam in the first place? SHouldnt I enjoy it? BUt now, I feel despair and "anything" for it. I dont like it, I don't like myself for having that kind of thoughts.
THe lazy me. It has spread itself all over that I wouldn't move until something really emergency happened. What is really happening?
To add on, I am more defiant. NOt just to authorities and parents. TO other things and people too. Even though I shouldnt say "No" when I should say "Yes", I like to say the opposite. I like the feeling of defying them, not going with the current. It calms me and makes me feel that I'm controlling at least something.
だからなさえない
バカだな
救われないほどのバカだ
嫌いでいっても何も感じない
もうあとには戻れないって気がする
悲しい。。。
＝（
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
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I like history.
THe past.
Because the past has been written, it cannot be changed and I can only accpet it.
While the future? Full of mystery and uncertainties, not my cup of tea.
Hence I hate future, and to me, my future is uncertain and not beautiful at all.
I admire the past and wished to know more about it, and do not know where to start from and how to touch it.
I borrowed a book from the library, about the History of Europe.
Very interesting. However... I do not understand half of what it was talking about, obviously telling me that I lacked the foundations to even read it.
I suppose if it is really true, I lack the foundations.
Europe's history is linked with the Middle East and well, jesus and whole lotsa things. What paleolithic, neolithic... Paleolithic is the time where ppl supposed to be the using of unpolished metals where hunters used, and neolithic is the time using polished and unchipped metal used for farming.
I wonder if I said correctly.
Oh and, something about Byzantine(is this how it's spelt?) period. Linked with Eastern Roman Empire. Not sure of the rest...
And the language used in Europe:
Greek in Roman Empire
Latin
German
???
and English
I onli know the first language used in the old Roman Empire, I cant remember the rest of the languages used in what empire.
WHy is there so many empire? I dunno...
And if i can get to university, probably I should study history? Haha, sounds like an impossible future full of aspirations when I can tell you that it's definitely a dream within a dream.
Besides that Europe's history boook, I have 3 more books "How to Draw" and "The photoshop CS2 Help DeskBook" and "Learning ActionScript 2.0". The first 2 books mentioned were borrowed, the last was bought.
Hope I can read them........ especially ACTIONSCRIPT, the nemesis of all animation students! ok fine, only my nemesis.
I read a phrase of word recently that said something about make the things that make u bitter better... Exact phrase is forgotten.
It was seen with the phrase of words I chose while in tuition last year "No one could predict to what height you can Soar. Even you will not know until you spread your wings."
It was motivating phrases.
...........................
Lost my interest in writing again, I guess Im cant grasp what im thinking into writing. I sux. My brain is full of cross wires whihc confused me whenever Im htinkin of things.........
I hate myself. and Im missing a whole lot of life. my life is meaningless. i should not be born and eat and compete food with those people who needed them MORE.
i sux
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I wanna change the skins.... of the blog. But how do I exactly change it, without knowing the html and the slicing? I've got the main design for the whole thing, but ... I heard that you need to slice it and blar blar blar. And whats with the html? I got no clues at all.
I just wanna get a whole new fresh look here, white and clean, not BLACK and dull. bleh.
Whatever~~ Im having a very slight headache. One that will come fast and go fast. I think my blood has something wrong, or my brain's the one that has the problems. Whenever I wake from my sleeping position, the headache comes, something like the inability to transfer (is this the right word? I think im feeling sleepy...) blood to the brain and will cause stroke. Weird~~
Oh yar, the main theme of this entry should be: SoreZore no Life.
The exact translation? Im not so sure either... I think it's everyone's life.
I get these weird feelings whenever I read about people's life on blog or internet or other sources, and not contraint to just read, knowing includes as well.
When you are sitting in front of your laptop, knowing how other people live their life... I feel insignificant. THe feeling "The world is sooooooo BIG". ANd all sorts of question comes into my head. EG: wad is the person living there doing? how is the life there? is the surrounding good? is there any huge news going on down there?
blar blar blar
really insginificant. and small.
somehow, I feel like Im the one wasting time reading other people's life while trying to compare mine and theirs and feel inferior and perhaps superior?
and this leads to another question: Is blogs meant for inferiority and speriority?
that's a stupid and lame question that no one in their right mind would think of, except my problematic head...
normally, if you think that your life is your own to hold, there's nothing wrong with other pppl reading it, and definitely there's no inferiority nor superiority.
unless, someone like me who feels terribly unconfident of her life and future...
.
..
...
....
somehow, i do not know how to continue this... forget it, this entry sux~ on to my history part
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
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I feel so good and satisfied after typing such a long entry, even though it make no sense at all...
HAHAHAHAHA
Love's Theory>
Love is Stupid.
If someone who is looking at this and is in love, he/she will say, "I bet this person never falls in love." (Somewhere along that line)
Oh yar, so Im gonna reply "Hell, you are so right! But havent you heard "Love blinds people"? You are now sooooo blinded that you can't even see where you are. Probably I am the only sane one who can expose teh lies of LOVE!"
Whatever... Forget what I write above, its bullshit. However, that is what I feel after watchin so many romance videos/manga: My name is Kim Sam Soon, Full House, Goong, Parfait Tic, Honey and Clover, Bokura ga Ita... (is there more? I cant remember... fuck) Anyway, let's begin my theory...
According to "My Name is Kim Sam Soon", when a person falls in love (from what i know, falling in love means your heart goes -awwwwww- and skips alot when looking at that person) the human brains produce some hormones which cause all that symptoms and it is also the same hormone (In female) that nurtures an embryo (hahaha, i've forgotten how to spell that initially so i got help from Huiying.. ahhahahaha). Btw, the hormoney htingy..... Im not sure if its really true but anyway let's just believe its true.
So concluding my previous paragraph, what Im tryin to say is that...... Love is actually caused by hormones.... Don't you feel it's a little fake here? Love is FAKE, F-A-K-E. ALso, in that drama, they pointed out that there isn't "eternal love", so otome-tachi! don't get yourself in love cause what you are dreaming doesnt exist anywhere. What you dreamed can only be in stories and novels. ANd if you truly believe in eternal love, sure there will be... Of course, it may or not happen to you in the end, but it's your choice in beliving and the faith...
Another point to prove that love is stupid...
IN this situation: You are the heroine, you love (i mean secretly admiring) this guy, Guy 1. However, Guy 1 has his own admirations with another girl and he doesnt notice you no matter what contract or promise you 2 are in. Too bad. However, the god pitites you and sent you a guy, Guy 2. Guy 2 likes you.
===> Guy 2 likes Heroine. Heroine likes Guy 1. Guy 1 likes Girl. Girl might like Guy 2 or just that Girl doesnt want to have any affliction with any guys...
*The ending is different depends on the original author. Read those titles I've given in the beginning if you wan to know what the ending is*
Typical storyline, eh? But this is the plot I've been looking at ever since my holiday started, in those Videos, Animes, and MANGAS!!!! So there you are, readiing my Love's Theory. You, now, could be thinking I've gone mad after reading and looking at those videos. Whatever you think, I still must write all these down for the theory!
Ok, where am I? Oh yar, the 4-side love. What I am trying to say is that, when you are the heroine and faced with such a situation.... It's better you take Guy 2 or stop beliving in love and deduce that it's all your body's system that is making you weird. Thats the truth of the world.
Besides... While you are living, you have many many many more to worry about, why make yourself even more burdened with ur love troubles?
... Fine, I sound like some1 who hates love... Oh and I admit that, coz it's stupid... =\ UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im mixing my frustrations in life with the love theory... forget it......
I'm running out of idea what I wanted to write in the beginning.... Sounds like the end of the post already...... SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!! WHAT WAS I GONNA WRITE???? Fine let me end ehre, I shall edit this post when I remembered what I wanted to write!
Sarabajya!
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I HATE BLACK!!!!!
That was 1 sentence made in impulse due to the increasing difficulty of reading the blog... Or maybe it's just that the design of the blog looks very weird with my laptop. It looks terribly small... It's just me, Im not criticising the design, it's just ME!!!!
okay, i guess Im having depression again?! Not sure, but I can't stop feeling unsure, i mean "fuan"(In jap).
Uncertainities...
WHATEVER!!!!!!!
I feel like dumping every burden I have on this earth and fly towards some infinite space or something....
Oh my~ I think I've got stupid or something. Whatever I wrote, said, typed, it doesn't make sense any longer. Be it spoken, read, whatever... Could it be that I've stayed too long in the house rotting in front of animations? Or is it because I've not read 1 book every since O level ended? OR is it that I went to Poly and my course doesnt require any brain ( i mean the studying side of the brain) work....
Whatever the reason might be, I definitely have/has/had (?) become/became stupid. Im feeling very upset due to my inferiority.
Yes, overflowing emotions, I dun even know where to start, when it started...
Im so useless......
Why is there people out there digging other people's organs and sell them when I live here quite comfortably? SHouldn't I be the one who should die?? NO?????????
What have I done in my previous life to enjoy such comfort which i Think I do not deserve??/ WHY WHY WHY WHY?
Life is full of mysteries and questions...
The answer could only be answered when I died and when I asked the Hades... I hope I remember my queries when I died so that I can ask why...
Monday, August 07, 2006
RANDOM>
i feel like changing the blog skin...
btw, i read my past entries... it feels like reading someone else's entries... what a weird feeling...
and because i was reading my past entries, i realise how hard it is to read it, so i wanted to change the skin...
and..... i think my past entires are quite interesting (some). hahahahaha... wad an egoistic person ! (me i mean)
anyway, 1 MORE DAY BEFORE TEH HOLIODAY BEGINS!!!!! i mean... 1 more day till the satanic viva presentation ENDS........................
Saturday, August 05, 2006
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i feel like bloggin coz i feel like it.
okay most of the projects are over.................................
BUUUT!!!!!!!!!!!
the most most most porblematic problem has arose! the VIVA schedule.
I do NOT know why it is even called VIVA.... sounds like DIVA from that blood+ which is EVIL and nothing good can come out of it. WORST situation ever...
Monday 11.15 FCP Presentation (OSB + EDWARD [he seems like the silent type meaning no matter if you are good or bad, he will have the poker face. no offence though. that's how he is in my imagination]
Tuesday 3.00PM PP1 Presentaition ( F + Suresh [also duno hwo the hell he is...])
Conclusion: Dead. Two presetations in 2 consecutive day.
Side Note: i've to go for the speech day on tuesday too on aaaaa veryyyyyy early morning. like 7.45? which is considered early for me... =(
And why the fuck do we have DPM this week? Isn't it holiday already???????? Why WHy WHy"???
Oh and not to mention. piano probs? I really at my dead ends...
No solutions, I've to meet those oncoming problems straight on. Forgive me head!!!
Im so stress, (I think its stress)...
so saddddddddd
depression
im gonna cry any time (not on the outside but i can clearly hear my heart tearng away.. painful!)
Monday, July 03, 2006
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Im getting post-holiday syndrome, in other words missing the holidays, and before-project-dealine syndrome, in other words scared of the project deadline. But after the deadline it iwill be holidday....
okay, let me think of my next week schedule.
i have to die-die think of IAC survey questions + the important hypothesis. my gdf project sketches that takes up dunnoo how many percent of the entire semester. the research of some famous practition who i decide to be miyazaki something de, the ghlibi person who made totoro and spirited away. shit, i cant even remmeber his full name!!! pp1...... i do not even know where to begin.... i have not fulffiled my promises that i had made in my reflection... fuck. wadever... i juz hope he dun scold me tml!!!!! although in the dark, i hope that ang hor will brief us on wad to do tml for this week instead of asking ME, and specifically ME, on wad i had done!!! im so fucked up, oh i mean screwed up.
DPM... photo..... nothing.. i hope. juz the preparation of goin to botanic and the photo story thingy... esplanade i think....
drf............ ummmmmm i juz hope there isnt any sudden project coming up that iwll kill me, alright, forced me to commit suicide.
THE BIG BIG BIG PROBLEM OF PDA!!!!!! he havent even teach us on the first week of school reopening, and he announced the project?? im gonna die die die, wad is action script? some one tell me??? i relaly do not knwo and i havent even dl the project thing. =E
and next week? i have japanese section (oh thank god it's the only thing that saved me from my chaotic and stressed life) and vocab that i had never know is coming up.... the hard thing is coming up... i NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION!!! and in the mornin!!! i juz hope im a genius , and this prodigy thing cant be apply to me anymore since.... im almost 20? well not yet but almost... 17. odd number, odd life...
AND AND AND!!!! JULY IS COSFEST... shu jun gonna go cosplay, zhiqian gonna go cosplay, diana also cosplaying... and all of them are cosplaying gothic lolita... oh god~~~~ i will be walking some cute zombies, if they are all black...
and nadn ....... i will also have to wake up early too!! im so stressed up... since sunday was supposed to be my homework rushing day. that means i have to do my projects during weekends!! all of them!!!!!!!!!!! ok ok, im very calm...
and and... piano? i was supposed to hae piano on sunday for just 1 month, so that means.... next week... after my regular sunday holy sacred jap i will rush off to yamaha.. without stopping at ANYWHERE! sry shujun~ u can shop if u wan, i cant.... T_T
ok ok, IM VERRRRRRRRRRY CALM...
EXCEPT THAT I THINK I ALREADY HAVE THESE -depression + stress + too much projects + dun wan to do anything + feel liek sleeping every now and then + cannaot go home early depression ,_+++++ etc SYNDROMESSSSSSSSSSSS. I NEED A PYSCHOLOGIST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
help me!! i think im gonna go mental instituition soon? consultations!!! conselling!!!! wadever!!!!!!!!
ah ru jue bi~
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