Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Self-reflection day has come.
Some people does things that really makes you think if you are really worth living in this world. As for me, my answer is always no. I always do think that im not supposed to be even born in this world, im not worth it, considering the damages ive done and everything.
However, i do not have the courage to die, the fear of pain...
And if someone hates you? It's as if someone just struck a stick right through my heart, if i ever were to confront such a truth. But, that's the truth, and i cant deny it. If he/she wants to hate me, go ahead, i cant change the fact that you hate me. But in turn of hating me, i will hate you back, that's the way of my self-protection.
To save my pride and heart, ive to hate you back, if not i could really go for suicide. however as i mention, im afraid of pain, i couldnt go for suicide.
if u ever see me dead, it's most likely somebody kiled me or i accidentally kill myself in the process, it owuldnt be possible if i wanted to kill myself.
and there comes another problem: am i really that self-egoistic? hmmm, mayb i should use proud. Am i proud? Proud in what ways? Academic? Interpersonal relationship?
IF i am ini the academic area, proud i mean, that's because that's the only thing on earth that i can rely confidently on. I do not have the so-called self-confidence, hence i could only push my pride all to my academic affairs. forgive it if u want, dun if it irks u.
as for interpersonal relationship, that's bullshit. relationship? i wan to sever all those ties, not to mention anything thats related to relationship.
humans are selfish, rarely (myab for some) can we give up our personal gains to satisfy others. at least for me, i cant. then why do we even have to build up relationship when all humans did was to use the others?
i do not wan to see those things, however, i myself may be doing that without realising im using the others. that's one my reason for mi not to live in this world.
when is my death coming?
and im so sure i will be frightened of the date of death if i ever know it
my life is full of false and contradiction
why am i living?
to help? to harm? to destroy?
私には 居場所なんて いないから
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Oh wad the hell, seems like the "age-IST" post is onli 1 or 2 days old? That's so boring.
Well yeah, Im kinda bored. As in psychologically. Coz i do have ALOT of homeworkds, mind you, im not very free. BUt i dun feel like doing. COz... well coz i dun feel liek doing. It's neverending, but if i never do it, i will never be able to hand in. and i will need to stay up night and do it, which i dun wan, but i lazy to do!!!
for example, i need to do SCENARIES. drawings. and find pics of animals. and and and 10 sketches of how ur poster will looks like, and and the re-doing of my "cracked" and "flower" typography, and and e-card, and and IAC and possible the increased of comT.
So in short, i do not have time to spare, not in the least of even BLOGGING. and yet here i am, yes, blogging. how contradictin i am and how un-time-managing i sitll is. shit me.
i hate me
i love pandas
zen is using the pandas as advertisement, are they tryin to make me zen slave?
no no, i wun give in even though its PANDA!!
why is there a sudden influx of pandas on the tv when i announced to the whole world that i LOVE pandas?? WHY WHY WHY??
coz the world centre's around me?
yeah rite bullshit. im not like suzumiya haruhi in the least. even if i do hope for it...
i am mi, no 1 can makes me into someone else...
except myself... =(
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The newest and gonna be oldest post.
Stupid POly life.
Whatever expectations I had for the Poly is now vanished.
Like I havent write enough of reflections during my Secondary School. WHY IS THERE STILL MORE REFLECTIONS??????????
and their reflections aren't for us to improve on our english, it just plain old content, if im correct.
and the IS? Speech and SPeech, and INTERVIEW~!!!!!!!!
When is that gonna end???
OK fine, it's ending, Im just glad that the S&W arent startin in the first semester for me. I HATE SPORTS
PLAIN OLD SIMPLE!!!!! I HATE SPORTS AND I WILL NEVER LIKE IT!!
and one more thing: I love my fats. =)
Im not dying to remove it. I only want to remove the weight, not the fats. Fats are good, they protect your organs by forming a protective layer around it so that it will absorb shocks. Good, aren't it? ANd it keeps you warm if you are in a cold country. So why do we want to get rid of them? They are sooooooo nice..
LAstly, I know i have problems with my personality. BUt i dun intend to change it, even if it means hurting people and harming them OR making them pissed with me. I will lose out in the society, not you. Do not worry about anything. Im bound to fail in the end. I will experience the pain of the experience and grow. Dun say things behind my back and ask me to change it coz I wun.
Save your "effort" sucker.
And what's wrong with having problems? Humans can't live without problems, we would be too bored. When there's a problem, we will think, and time will fly, and that's what makes experience.
A leopard never changes it spots, dun make mi change mine. That makes me different from the others. I am who I am, I'm not what you want me to be, coz i will never be.
"SAY IT LOUD AND PROUDLY: FUCK YOU!!!!!"
Monday, May 01, 2006
Oh no, i forgot to add this to my list of buying: SOny Ericsson z800i.
I;ve changed my target from NEC to sony ericsson, since no one could tell mi if NEC is good enough, although its a jap brand and i would very much trust it.
it's cool isnt it? the camera can roll~~ the screen is rather big too, though not as big as panasonic V series.
BUt the thing is, it's rather old, arent it? and i dun see anyone holdin this phone. according from gsmarena, the phone was released somewhat during 2005. OLD!!! but i still love it.
ANd my bro says that sone ericsson ( call is SE, the words too long) phones are quite good, function-wise.
i might as well choose that. BUt.... No money right now, shall wait. Imnot a phone person so actually I can use wadever phone u gave mi. BUt i muz love the design. that's all
ANDDDDDDD!!!! I THINK IM GOIN TO START JAP COURSE, of course, there's a need for money too.
IN THIS TIME OF THE SOCIETY, ITS MONEY EVERYWHERE. ART FRIENDS, PENS, MARKERS, MAGIC PENS, DIGITAL CAMERA, 3 IN 1 PRINTER, AND JAP COURSE, AND PHONES???!!
well, that's it. See you all when Im bankrupt. *jappy~~ are u goin to be mine???*
*1 more thing, the above picture is taken from sonyericsson.com, copyright law... sigh....*
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I've not blogged for quite a long time, and I guessed it's time for mi to pick up my hands again onto the keyboard.
I wonder if it's because of the "stress" of the going to school again.
Well, yeah, I am now goin to the "TERTIARY" school as stressed by the lecturers/teachers (I think I will stick to teachers, since I dun really have any lectures, and I couldnt find any words to describe their profession)
And they said that POlytechnics and University are in the "TERTIARY" level, while ONLY the JCs are considered the "non-tertiary"... Poor JC-cians.... nowhere to belong to.
BUT HEYY!! Who cares if we are in the tertiary or not? OH, i know why, there's some difference. The JCs used student fares, while we, the "TERTIARY" students are grown-ups and have to use the adult fares. AND ALSO, since we are "TERTIARY" students like the Universtity students, we are supposed to have RESPONSIBILITY in wadever we do.
Well, yar. BUt I thought all human beings on this PLANET EARTh has to have RESPONSIBILTY? even though you are a child? Isnt that right? Maybe the parents, with the mission to instill the RESPONSIBILITY word into the baby's head, have to keep on naggin about RESPONSIBILITY, and the child had only first heard this word...
And in the end, HUMAN BEINGS HAVE THE RESPONSIBILTY THING IN THEIR HEAD~!! and if they dun do it, it's their problem.
So I dun think the school need to mention SO MANY TIMES THAT WE ARE TERTIARY STUDENTS WITH THE "RESPONSIBILTY". They can just said it once.
Orientation is pure B-O-R-I-N-G. runing around the campus to play games? Well, i think they could just give us a campus tour instead of campus game, kkinda wasting time.
Although the student council did try their best to think of such things, I APPRECIATE TAT, i really do. So i shan't complain anymore.
AND WADS WITH THE BUYIN OF LAPTOPS AND BUYIN THIS AND THATS????? that's hellava lotsa things to buy. Let mi list dwn:
1)Art Friend package (LOtsa things, and i dun care wad it is as long as it is being USED, which adds up to $36 about there)
2)3 in 1 printer. (coz my printer cant be used, i need one FUNCTIONING PRINTER, and to include photocopyin and scanning, who knows wad they wan to do. make it better with 3 in 1)
3)Digital CAMERA. I dun take photos ALOT. IN fact, I didnt touch the camera ever since im 8 yrs old. Not to mention camera phones. I dun use it, since I dunno how to use it. IM practically camera-idiot.
4)Black pens, Black Markers, Black Magic pens OF DIFFERENT NIB SIZES. OK... I know that they have to use such things. But , WADS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARKERS AND MAGIC PENS????? I SERIOUSLY DUNNO!!! and where can i get them? Art friends? Pure expensive to feece us. ANd i think there's many nib sizes, and how many should I get? Wad brand??? SOMEONE ANS MY QUESTIONS!!!!!)
5)Laptop Sleeve. I have one bag, yeah, the one that sj's intro mi to buy. ANd I thought it was really cool, it is cool. BUt with one disadvantage: Sling. When you carry it, ur shoulder can go "crack~~~~~" something like that. BUt hey, that's not all, let mi give you one example that did happen in real life, TO ME, and its VERY EMBARASSING.
I was carryin that bag with the laptop on the bus, wantin to go sec sch to collect my cert. The bus was kinda crowded, but not VERY crowded. ANyway, I was standing at a very uncomfortable position, but it doesnt matter as long as Ive got something to hold onto. Then, (because I was with Kohli, she went with mi to collect cert. BUt there was this group of ppl that squeeze their way in and separate us, CURSE THEM) the bus take a turn. There shouldnt be anything to worry about, since it was juz a turn, and I've had something to hold onto, and Im very confident of my balancing skill. Except that... the bag became somehting that cause mi to fall. SInce im carryin it in the shoulder style, (not sling, im not sure how to descrribe, anyways) and when it turns, the bag changes my centre of gravity. (you know, like a pendulum? IM the bob that is rolling, while the bag is like the axis of my centre of gravity), and i couldnt control my balance anymore, my hand was still gripping, but I juz fall~~~
AND I LANDED ON A LADY SITTING ON THE CHAIR, ON HER LAP!!!!! FUCKIN EMBARASSING. Im glad it wasbnt a guy that was sitting on the chair, if not I would have jump off the bus and run away regardless of where I am.
I AM SOOOO NOT CARRYIN THAT BAG WITH A LAPTOP AGAIN. and not takin that bus no. AGAIN! NEVER, in case i met that lady and she will curse me.
I WILL NEED TO GET THE LAPTOP SLEEVE AND CARRY MY LAPTOP IN MY ARMS. HUG IT LIKE A BABY. FUCK U BAG!!!
PHEW~ venting of my embarassment.
ANyway back to the school topic..
I hate research. They asked us to resaerch about lines, texture, value, contrast, balance, shape. I've searched it, got the definition. BUT IM NOT SURE WAD AM I RESEARCHIN ABOUT!!!!!! That is so not right. I need to grasp wad is ART all about.
Damn, I really lacked the art genes... PLEASE AWAKE MY HIDDEN ART GENES!!!!!! I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE IN THE ART INDUSTRy!!!!!!
And mayb I am regretting a little, as in not choosing the science path. Imagine that mayb you could find a cure for AIDS (or not since when u are steppin into the scicen path, another deadly disease had appeared out of nowhere again). AND!!! SJ is RESEARCHIN ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!! how i love that, i really love that, really, not sarcastically.
BUT STILL, ive decided on this path, and I will walk through it no matter what. I dun wan to live my life regretting that I didnt take the animation path when obviously I could have. Live my life as if there's no tomorrow.
That's just some beautiful words that are used to cover up. Wadever. I dun care.
Ive chose that, and I might as well walk it. This could be a god's choice. NOt mine. I dun mean to say that if there's anything wrong I should blame the gods. Uh~~
Everything related to god is contraditing, no more gods in this blog! BUt i truly believe in destiny though, which is god-related?
this is just ey contradicting post of mine, dun read it if u dun want to! but.... if u've read this line, that means u've read the whole thign. gRrrRr I DUN CARE ANYMORE!!!
THIS IS THE SHOUTING OF THE YOUTH!!!!!!!!! (wadever that means, i dunno)