Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Self-reflection day has come.

Some people does things that really makes you think if you are really worth living in this world. As for me, my answer is always no. I always do think that im not supposed to be even born in this world, im not worth it, considering the damages ive done and everything.

However, i do not have the courage to die, the fear of pain...

And if someone hates you? It's as if someone just struck a stick right through my heart, if i ever were to confront such a truth. But, that's the truth, and i cant deny it. If he/she wants to hate me, go ahead, i cant change the fact that you hate me. But in turn of hating me, i will hate you back, that's the way of my self-protection.

To save my pride and heart, ive to hate you back, if not i could really go for suicide. however as i mention, im afraid of pain, i couldnt go for suicide.

if u ever see me dead, it's most likely somebody kiled me or i accidentally kill myself in the process, it owuldnt be possible if i wanted to kill myself.

and there comes another problem: am i really that self-egoistic? hmmm, mayb i should use proud. Am i proud? Proud in what ways? Academic? Interpersonal relationship?

IF i am ini the academic area, proud i mean, that's because that's the only thing on earth that i can rely confidently on. I do not have the so-called self-confidence, hence i could only push my pride all to my academic affairs. forgive it if u want, dun if it irks u.

as for interpersonal relationship, that's bullshit. relationship? i wan to sever all those ties, not to mention anything thats related to relationship.

humans are selfish, rarely (myab for some) can we give up our personal gains to satisfy others. at least for me, i cant. then why do we even have to build up relationship when all humans did was to use the others?

i do not wan to see those things, however, i myself may be doing that without realising im using the others. that's one my reason for mi not to live in this world.

when is my death coming?

and im so sure i will be frightened of the date of death if i ever know it

my life is full of false and contradiction

why am i living?

to help? to harm? to destroy?


何だか ちょっと寂しいと思います

私には 居場所なんて いないから

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