Tuesday, November 13, 2007
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I am seriously confused.
I have the feeling that I have been like that ever since that day, ever since I made that decision. I told myself that I won't regret it.
So, I won't regret. I've learnt many things and I think it's another form of experience. BUt did I really make the wrong choice? I don't know.
That is my phrase: I don't know.
What I know is that, even if the clock turns back, I would still have made that choice, it's because if I didn't, I will surely regret.
I don't know how to describe, but I was adamant about it. I have to get into it to make myself believe in it and to know what it is all about.
But not, I don't know if I could go on. It might be a wrong choice from teh very beginning, I don't doubt, because I know that I have been deceiving myself for the longest of time ever since I went in. Lying to myself that I love to make things while in actual fact i don't. I've made some hard work (not exactly the whole body hard work) but I realised that none of it works. i still don't know what exactly I was doing.
I kept being disappointed, and tried to be positive and thought of many ways and paths which I could go even being there. But I'm sicked of it. sicked of the every lies that I've made to myself. But even till now, this decision... it might not be the best, and i don't know if it will change how i work from now on. i just hope that.... it will work out in the end. or at least i will feel happier. or maybe i can be more honest with myself.
but ultimately, I hope that I could have a decent job, pay back all those money that I've wasted. That's the only thing I could do for them. THe more i stayed, the more I thought that I couldn't pay back the money, and I would have to ask for more isntead of earning myself. So god, please, if this is the right decision, make it right once and for all, and let me repay my debt. I will memorise till every single cell is being used up. SO please, let me get a decent job and I won't complain about being restricted for now i realise that restriction is my way of life. freedom is not mine.
I;m so sorry for the inconvenience caused, but please help me. thank u. =)